No one is likely to have noticed I missed last Friday, because virtually no one reads the Friday shit; it is the writing that really interests people and not usually the author. I am ignoring that whole thought process, because it is unpleasant to realize your art will always overshadow you, the artist. Going forward, I will probably skip these little personal blurbs entirely. The projects I had planned are going to be on hold until further notice. Since I know what people want is stories, I might just move those to Friday and pretend it was always that way.
So – trigger warning for domestic violence – my former partner and I had a huge falling out where he tried to do something rather unfortunately. To say the least, I am still breathing, so he did not take that from me. Instead, he took something much more precious and I do not know how to get it back. Hell, I did not even know that I had it to begin with. I never thought of myself as a victim before. Now, I do. This is why I missed last week. Eventually, I will come back again, but it might be a while before I can really prioritize putting myself into the cyber ether for no real benefit to myself or others.
I know the difference between healthy and correct. For me, they are definitely not the same thing right now. My energies are being turned to keeping house for the most confusing mother a person could ask for, her overly loud and somewhat obnoxious husband, their two semi-annoying dogs, and their overweight cat. He is losing weight, because I convinced them to reduce his food intake and they are switching off of a bargain brand. As a Buddhist, these people are wasteful, materialistic sloths and largely by choice-turned-training. They are a difficult test for me.
The only real thing that has kept me going beyond the busy work around the house (an actual house!!) is the yard (an actual yard!!). While I am not able to replace the lawn with something more pleasant and ecosystem friendly, there is a whole slanted section they have never really done anything with themselves. I have always wanted to work the earth with my own two hands, as I feel we are best served as a species. They just up and gave that whole area to me, along with the materials for the defunct pond they gave up on (for not creating something the local wildlife would not treat as a larder).
I have a couple years of day-to-day labor ahead of me. It is everything I have ever wanted, but I can only hope that I will actually be able to follow through with it. I want to create a beautiful, largely natural space with a small pond. Instead of bright, flashy fish, I picture using naturally occurring species to build an ecosystem with phyto-plankton, mosses, and various plants for hiding spaces. In the pond, there will have to be bottom-feeders and top-feeders, mosses and plants for hiding, and an overall predation cycle. I think some sort of frog or toad species that is native to the area.
Above and around the pond, which will have a small waterfall and pump to keep oxygen going, I want to create a nectar haven. Flowering flora and some filter-root shrubs, all carefully planned out to work with the clay soil we already have. To keep things inexpensive, I want to avoid adding soil or sand as much as I can. Again, it is all about that ever-elusive consistency. I can only hope for the best.
If I succeed, there will even be a nice space for some humans to get the view from over the house itself, which is beautiful.
Hermit’s Corner 